I pulled this man’s story/question from a post over at the admirable www.IamHusband.com
It’s such a classic issue, and one that I want to shed some light on in these pages.
You can see the original post here.

I had a terrible row with my wife yesterday. It’s a long story and there are two sides.

In short she got stuck at the airport in bad weather. She called me in a very angry state and asked me to look at other flights on the net. I was in a rush to get to a meeting (in a pub as it happens) so I looked quickly and saw it would cost another €75 to change her flight. She wanted another flight only two hours earlier than the one she was on. At this stage her later flight had not been canceled. I argued that it was an expensive two hours. She swore at me and put the phone down. I sent her a text asking if I should book the flight. She sent another back saying I had to be kidding, so I went out to my meeting.

Half way through the meeting she called to ask me to book the flight. Her flight had now been cancelled. But I was half an hour away from the internet and she had ten minutes before the booking slot ended. She flew off the handle and cursed me in every horrible word she could think of.

It turned out the flight that she missed was the only flight that left until 9pm that night (neither of us were aware of this at that stage). She called me again. I cut my meeting short, went home and booked her on the later flight. But by now the damage was done. In her mind I had gone off down the pub and left her in her hour of need. I was the villain.

Personally, I have apologised but I’m lying. I still think she should accept some of the blame. But in her mind she’s the victim. Now she is still punishing me but I feel empty because I will never be heard.

I feel that she is never wrong. In this case I think one could argue that the whole mess is her fault and due as in so many other cases to her anger problems. As usual I am the doormat. I pretend I am wrong and apologise until she ‘forgives’ me.

I can’t go on like this. What should I do?

My Answer –

Wow. What a great question. An angry woman can be more than a little scary, especially if you don’t understand what is truly being asked of you.

First, stop apologizing when you don’t mean it.
Second, do you realize that under her anger is hurt? And that it probably has very little or nothing to do with you? Don’t bother telling her this (she doesn’t want to hear it), just stop taking it so personally.

Next time she’s irrational and angry, see if you can care for the hurt. You don’t even have to really engage the anger.

What she REALLY wants from you is to feel safe and cared for. She wants to know you are stronger than her anger. Create a container of safety for the storm. Don’t be blown over by it, don’t resist it. See it for what it is… a test.

What’s up with you wanting her to accept “blame?” That’s not going to get you anywhere. Let go of who’s right or reasonable or to blame and focus on creating safety for her. Only then will she relax enough to start working through the real issues and taking responsibility for her feelings and actions. I know it’s a lot, but that’s what is being asked of you.

And friend, next time she’s stuck at the airport in bad weather and wants to spend 150 bucks on a new ticket, buy it for her! Don’t grumble and drag your heels, step up and do it powerfully. Be her Hero. Treat her like she’s the most precious and delightful woman in your world… and that’s what she’ll become.