The other day I stubbed my toe on the leg of our funky black velvet couch.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I immediately blamed the couch.
“Stupid F-ing couch!”
Then I blamed the people who MADE the couch.
“Stupid design… legs sticking out…”
Then I blamed myself.
“I ALWAYS stub my toe on this couch.”
I even blamed my wife.
“Why did she have to choose this freakin’ couch.”
The really amazing thing is that this all happened in under a second, and I was barely aware of it!
In that milli-second I automatically blamed 3 people plus an inanimate object, and I wouldn’t have even noticed it… except that I happen to practice noticing these things.
And this was just about stubbing my toe! Imagine the blame cycle that happens when the shit really hits the fan!
Of course, I don’t have to imagine it. I’m in the business of helping men turn challenging marriages around. And I come by this work honestly. I know all about blaming my woman. I know about blaming her for staying. Blaming her for leaving. I know about blaming her for the empty feeling inside. I know about blaming her for wanting someone else. Blaming her for ME wanting someone else.
And I certainly know about blaming myself.
And when that gets me nowhere, I can always blame the world. The weather. My job. The economy. My mother.
I’ve been down all these paths and they all lead to the same place: Suffering.
I’ve also discovered the alternative. The cure. The antidote.
It’s simple… but not easy.
It starts with this question:
What if no-one were to blame?
Whatever challenge you are struggling with in your relationship…
- Infidelity
- Death
- Boredom
- Money
- In-laws
- Parenting
What if no-one were to blame?
What if She… You… Them… were, at their core, INNOCENT?
What if whatever you are experiencing… simply IS?
Can you see how much energy this would free up to do the things that actually matter to you… to BE the man/husband/father you are meant to be?
How much energy are you currently wasting in the blame game?
Can you just BE WITH WHAT IS – without judgement – for even a few moments?
At first this is almost incomprehensible, right?
We get so used to blaming… to judging… to our stories of wrong and right… to our righteous indignation… that suspending it even for a few moments feels… unnatural.
It feels weird.
Our blame, our judgement, is SO automatic that it feels as though it is unarguably fused with our experience.
It isn’t.
Here’s the way out.
Notice what you’re feeling. The emotion that is present. Name it to yourself.
Naming the feeling/emotion happens in only 3 words. “I feel ….”
“I feel angry.”
“I feel sad.”
“I feel anxious.”
“I feel scared.”
“I feel hurt.”
It might be tempting to say “I feel hurt by her words” or “I’m angry at her for being late.” That’s all blame, story, judgement… right?
Even “I feel betrayed” is thinly veiled blame. Strip it down… ie – What’s the true emotion underneath “I feel betrayed?” Hurt? Anger? Scared?
For now, stick to the raw data. (You can always come back to blame later if you choose!)
Now notice the sensation in your body.
Maybe your chest is tight or your brow furrowed. Maybe your fists are clenched or your stomach hurts. Maybe your breath is constricted and shallow.
Just notice.
Now notice the story you are telling yourself. Are you blaming her? Yourself? The world?
What would it be like to let go of that? Even for just a few moments? Remember, you can always come back to blame later if you choose. See what’s it’s like to let go of it just for a few minutes right now.
What happens to the sensation in your body? Stay present to the raw data. Notice.
Now, is there an ajustment you’d like to make?
An adjustment to your posture? To the depth or fullness of your breath? To the words or images in your mind? To your speech or actions?
This kind of mindful awareness takes you out of your habitual blame/judgement and delivers you to a fresh vista where you can see more clearly. From here you can better choose actions that serve you, her and the world.
And you can always come back to blame… if you choose.
