Bryan says:

Bryan here. In grade school, I was a geeky DORK.

When my sister saw the movie Napoleon Dynamite, she said I HAD to watch it, because it was a movie about ME as a kid. And it was true.

I used to cut out pictures of fighter jets, missiles, dinosaurs, swords, jaguars, cobras, and bald-faced hornets – pretty much any dangerous animal or weapon, I was fascinated with.

I’d even combine them – I’d draw detailed pictures of dinosaurs equipped with machine guns, rocket launchers, stingers and laser weapons…even making my own medieval weapons…and…

Ironically, at school, I was getting bullied and pushed around without ever fighting back.

I was terrified of getting my ass kicked. Inside, I’d be fuming…but on the outside, I would just stand there and take it.

Later in the day, I’d discharge that pent-up aggression by taking one of the makeshift medieval weapons I’d created, and hack away at the plants and vines in the field outside my house…or else, lay in bed that night, replaying the incident, and kicking the living crap out of those guys (F**k YOU, Ricky Scarfino!).

But I was powerless to fight back in the moment. And they knew it.

So they kept picking on me.

At that early age, I had already begun suppressing my power.

Instead of showing up in real life, my power would be expressed in my dreams at night – I was always at war, swinging axes and swords, shooting people and flying jet fighters …

And, unlike most dreams, this was obviously not just a processing of the leftovers of my day…

It was a CLASSIC case of Freudian repression. I had stuffed down my power, and my primal, kill-or-be-killed instinct – the ferocious part of me that WOULD have had me stand up to the bullies (and would have ensured that I wasn’t picked on in the first place!) – was coming out in my dreams, instead.

NO POWER, NO POONANI

Not surprisingly, I wasn’t a very big hit with the ladies back then.

Women can instinctually tell who’s cut off from their power and who’s not, immediately, because it’s a matter of survival and propagation of the species for them.

It’s pretty primal – no guy who’s getting picked on by other men of the tribe is going to be considered a prime mating partner by the ladies, right?

They want a man with strong ties to other men, which maximizes his chances of sticking around to protect his offspring.

Even worse, if a man’s cut off from his ability to fight, then how’s he ever gonna defend his family if they’re getting attacked?

THE TURNAROUND FOR ME

It was only after doing intensive “men’s work”-exercises that challenged and confronted me, and FORCED me to access that part of me – that I began to access my true Power as a man.

For the first time, I felt solid and confident in my ability to stand up for myself, and for the people in my life who I loved. And it rippled out EVERYWHERE in my life – an immediate shift in how people related to me.

Men (including my boss at the time) began treating me with more respect.

And the biggest difference was in my relating with women. As I felt more access to that primal, powerful part of me, women felt safer around me…and MUCH more attracted.

WHAT IS **YOUR** RELATIONSHIP TO POWER?

By now, it should be clear, the connection between your access-to-power and your relating with women.

Take a moment and seriously consider:

- What is your relationship to your own power?  Do you feel full access to it?

- Do you feel capable of unhesitatingly putting your life at stake to protect the people you love?

- Do you feel connected to your ability to kill another human being (if it came to that point), to protect the people you love (including *yourself*)?

- Or do you feel that your power is suppressed, blocked, or crimped in one way or another?

- What do you see is the impact of this way of being in your life?   How does it specifically affect your career?  Your friendships?  Your relationship with women?

- And if this is a challenge for you, what steps are you taking to address it?

One step you can take is the AMP Intensive 3-day course.

At the AMP Intensive, for those who don’t yet have FULL access to that primal side, we have specific exercises designed to call out a man’s authentic power (even if it’s been dormant for decades).

They’re intense and confronting exercises, for sure – I was absolutely TERRIFIED when it was MY turn many years ago…but for many men, the AMP Intensive is like a “rite of passage” into manhood…where you face the places that have been holding you back from stepping into being the ruthlessly loving, powerful man inside that’s waiting to be unleashed.

We’ve put together some info here:

http://www.authenticmanprogram.com

If it speaks to you…grab your balls and step into taking the Intensive for yourself.

And whether you choose to take the AMP intensive or not, continue to explore your relationship to your own power as a man. It’s HUGE in terms of the impact to your relating not just with women, but with ALL aspects of your life!

In brotherhood,

Bryan

You REALLY want to know?

OK – Here are 3 answers. Choose your favourite. Then do something with it.

1. The theory: She triggers you because of your childhood experiences, mostly with your parents. You are projecting your unmet childhood needs, insecurities and beliefs onto her. This is the model used by Imago therapist and author of  the popular book “Getting The Love You Want,” Harville Hendrix.

The opportunity: Identify these projections together and start to use your relationship as an intentional vehicle for healing.

2. The theory: She triggers you precisely because she is the perfect one to test you, to help you grow past your current limits and into your highest potential. Some teachers would suggest that you actually “chose” her for this purpose… either unconsciously, or even before choosing to incarnate as a human being. AKA “soul contracts.”

The opportunity: Stop resisting the challenges and start “leaning in.” Choose to find the opportunities for growth within your relationship conflict. Once you see her as a teacher and an opportunity, you can stop blaming her and start using the lessons consciously, no matter how painful or difficult.

3. The theory: She triggers you because of Limbic Resonance. Limba-what-ness? This term was coined by Thomas Lewis, M.D, Fari Amini, M.D. and Richard Lannon, M.D. in their book A General Theory of Love. Scientists have discovered that our emotional states have a measurable effect on other people. Researchers at the Heartmath Institute have demonstrated that our nervous systems generate electromagnetic fields that not only extend out from our bodies, but actually interact with and influence the nervous systems of other people. Yeah, I know. Trippy. Whoa. This means that you can (and do!) influence your spouse’s emotional experience all the time.

The opportunity: Bring more skill and consciousness to your own emotional states. Practice emotional intelligence. Be aware of this wordless, profound effect you have on each other.

Which of these theories makes most sense to you?
What action will you take today?

If you could use a roadmap to deal with the challenges of marriage constructively, Download the 8-page ebook End Relationship Drama for free now.

In this article Bryan introduces a useful metaphor from his garden, shines the light on how shame cripples us men sexually, and invites us to benefit from the learning material that his team has put together to help men face the common challenges that get in the way a fulfilling sexual relationship.

The AMP stuff is largely geared for single guys, but I know that sex – and shame – is a HUGE issue for married men too. In fact, I would say that the sex/shame equation played a major role in the disintegration of my first marriage, and I know many other married men struggle with these issues.  So… please check this out. And I’d love to hear your feedback.)

From Bryan/AMP:

There was an intruder in my garden.

Now, I love being in my garden in the backyard of my house in San Francisco… It’s a hidden oasis surrounded by thick plush trees in the middle of a bustling international city.

On sunny days I’ll go back there and chillax beneath my favorite tree.

However, for some time now, I’ve been noticing that my tree isn’t doing so well.

In fact, week after week, it’s been looking sicker and weaker. Bark has started to peel off, and branches are becoming dead and brittle. WTF?!

So this week I decided to take a closer look and I finally found the culprit:

A weed. A really big, vine-like, monster-sized weed that looked like it was choking the life out of my tree.

When I saw it, it was like I had caught a criminal: “A-ha! GOTCHA!”

So I grasped the weed and gave it a sharp tug. Then I gasped. All around me, the whole back yard seemed to shake!

This freaking weed had worked its way through every tree in my back yard!

It must have been there for years… at first just a small sprout at the base of the huge trunk. But it began to grow, slowly and imperceptibly wrapping itself around the trunk of the tree, making its way toward the top, unnoticed.

Eventually it was completely restricting the tree, suffocating its growth… and doing this to almost every other plant in the yard.

This is similar to one of the most crippling “inner game” sticking points – it’s incredibly elusive and hard to catch.

And even though I find it to be THE single most common sticking point, nobody talks about it for two very big reasons:

1) By its very nature, like a weed on a tree, it is designed to blend in. Because we don’t notice it, it doesn’t show up in our awareness. And…

2) Nobody wants to admit the grip that this insidious creature has on them. And so it continues to OWN them…

This Inner Game “weed” that I’m referring to is…

SHAME.

Yeah. Shame. We feel shame when there is any part of ourselves that we don’t fully and completely accept… any part of ourselves that we think is “wrong” or “bad” or “ugly” or “not good enough.”

Shame grows gradually, mostly unnoticed, purposefully ignored, throughout our lives. It doesn’t seem very important… until one day we wake up and realize it has become a monstrous weed choking our vitality, energy, self-image and especially… our connecting with women.

For example, if you have a hard time “escalating” with women, oftentimes this is related to SHAME about your sexual desire and attraction. And women feel that and become uncomfortable going further with you.

And if YOU are ashamed of your attraction, then she’s going to feel that too, and I guarantee your connection is going to SUFFER.

Often, it goes unnoticed – just a nagging feeling and a growing sense of frustration about how your ability to create attraction and connection with women feels squelched and “choked off”… and you don’t know why!

The Ultimate Weed Whacker of Shame

However, there is one thing that I know of that is the ultimate “weed whacker” of shame:

Presence.

See, the weeds of shame don’t like to be seen. Shame is designed to make you think there is no separation between “it” (the weed) and “you” (the tree).

Without Presence, shame can choke the life out of you, and your interactions with women.

WITH Presence, however, you can finally BECOME AWARE of how this sneaky little organism has worked its way all through your life.

By cultivating Presence, we can NOTICE when shame comes up, and just the simple act of NOTICING that shame (without trying to fix it, suppress it or get rid of it) is often enough to relax its hold on you.

In the Foundations of Inner Game Training Program, we teach all kinds of exercises guaranteed to sharpen your Presence, so that you can clear out shame and create more vital, exhilarating interactions with women, and finally start living your life as the most shameless, badass, authentic man you can be.

A great introduction to this is to watch the FREE video, Foundations of Inner Game: Revealed. We explain more about how to become Present, so that shame never has to kill your attraction and connection with women ever again.

Rid yourself of the intruder.

Watch Foundations of Inner Game: Revealed and get a free trial of our Foundations of Inner Game Training Program, here:

http://AuthenticManProgram.com/revealed

Bryan and the AMP Team

P.S. Once I started to become more present and started to unravel all the places where shame had woven itself into my life, I felt like I could breath again in a whole new way. Take the opportunity to see how much more is possible for your life and enjoy this free video.

Watch it now, here:

http://AuthenticManProgram.com/revealed

Orgasm’s Hidden Cycle – You’re finished…but your brain has just begun.

(by Marnia Robinson, Psychology Today.)

Orgasm feels great, and if climax were the end of the story, partners would project the good feelings generated in the bedroom onto one another—and effortlessly dote on each other forever. Few do.

One challenge is that orgasm—especially that “I’m definitely done!” feeling after sex—isn’t an isolated event. It’s the beginning of a much longer cycle, which often includes subconscious neurochemical signals of discontent that tarnish lovers’ perceptions of each other. Consider this verse from the ancient Greek Anthology, which long ago captured the essence of the Coolidge Effect:

Once plighted, no men would go whoring,
They’d stay with the one they adore,
If women were half as alluring
After the act as before!

If you are familiar with the work of Masters & Johnson, you probably think of the “cycle of orgasm” as a brief series of observable genital events: arousal, plateau, climax and refractory period. The experience of orgasm, however, is produced in a primitive part of the brain. Without these neurochemical fireworks, the Big “O” wouldn’t feel like an orgasm regardless of what happens in your genitals.

But assuming you’re not trying to patent the next billion-dollar sexual enhancement drug, why do you care about the neurochemical aspects of orgasm? Here are two reasons:

1. Neurochemical events can have powerful effects on your behavior, mood and perceptions without your awareness. You probably don’t think of sexual arousal as correlating with rising dopamine, or orgasm as equating with surges of endorphins, adrenaline and so forth. Chances are you also don’t think of your feelings over the days after orgasm as being linked to a cascade of neurochemical events (fluctuating dopamine and prolactin levels, testosterone receptor declines, etc.).

2. There is growing evidence (details in a future post) that this complex neurochemical sequence after orgasm is much longer than the physical events after climax. It may even continue for up to two weeks after you roll over and snore, or look around for more. During this slow, somewhat erratic, return to neurochemical homeostasis after orgasm, it’s not unusual to experience intermittent sensations of lack, neediness, irritability, intense horniness and so forth. Most people climax again before the brain brings itself back to homeostasis. Interestingly, evidence suggests that the more thoroughly you sexually satiate yourself—that is, the more intense or numerous your orgasms—the more acute the overall effects on your outlook. For example, it has been observed that the more orgasms women have over a 30-day period, the more unfriendly and aggressive they perceive pictures of unknown men.

The point is that orgasm may innocently be influencing your subsequent moods, cravings, choices, and perceptions—and for longer than you would imagine possible. This hidden cycle and the subtle feelings it brings up are likely to be a factor in the Coolidge Effect. Scientists already know that, after sex, dropping dopamine (the signal for “less rewarding”) plays a role in habituation between mates, just a spike of dopamine (“rewarding!”) plays a role in the neurochemically induced attraction to novel partners.

Another consequence of the hidden phase of orgasm is the risk of getting caught up in an escalating cycle of seeking more and more intense sexual stimulation to “medicate” the lows in the sequence. But even if you elude this risk (lots of daily affection helps, for example), this hidden cycle may produce ripples in the harmony of your relationship.

Let’s say your neurochemistry hasn’t yet bounced back to equilibrium after the great sex you had on the weekend. Because it’s normal to project your subconscious mating-induced feelings onto your mate, you may be convinced that you would feel just fine if only your mate would, for example, show some appreciation for all you do, engage in more of your preferred foreplay, or simply put the dang cap on the toothpaste tube. Or you might find the thought of a novel partner (even a two-dimensional one) unusually enticing. As these feelings recur week after week, you may even wonder if you should have married that other person. You know, the one who realized how wonderful you are.

Why would our perception shift for the worse as we satiate ourselves sexually? To make sure we don’t go extinct. Inclinations that tend to pass on more genes are conserved. Maybe annoyance in our love lives, with fooling around on the side, or serial romances are ideal scenarios for our genes, whatever they cost us and our families. (Remember, we evolved in tribes, where romantic turnover would have been less harmful to kids.)

Instead of moving to a novel mate, many of us cope with this programmed restlessness in other ways. When your dopamine is low (as it can be from time to time during the post-orgasm cycle), you may feel like…well…like something is missing, even if you can’t put your finger on what it is. Perhaps you console yourself with some self-indulgent spending, too many drinks with pals, or a carton of Häagen-Dazs. Such things automatically reward you with brief surges of dopamine. They are especially seductive when you’re feeling flat for reasons you can’t fathom.

It’s rare for people to see the truth of this underlying cycle’s influence on their lives until they experiment. However, couples can usually spot its effects after the high-dopamine honeymoon “booster shot” wears off. To do so, they make love for several weeks using a technique like karezza (lots of bonding behaviors without sexual satiation), and then go back to conventional sex with orgasm. During the first part of the experiment they often grow more sensitive to playful affection, snuggling or gentle intercourse. When we experimented, my husband remarked, “Our kissing reminds me of my first teenage kisses.”

Eight years later, he interprets those same feelings as “I haven’t fertilized you yet, so my limbic system is still enchanted.” No fertilization attempt; no Coolidge Effect. And I continue to look cute (at least to him).

After orgasm, however, there tends to be a subtle shift. Here’s what one husband observed (who had assured me he experiences no fallout after orgasm):

Things have been good between my wife and me recently (lots of bonding behaviors and increased closeness), but about 12 hours after a night of great lovemaking, I’m feeling really needy around sex. I HATE that feeling. It is so energy depleting, worse than being sick. Only later did I realize, “Okay, THAT’S what this neurochemical cycle does.”

It makes a ton of difference to know what’s really going on. I can totally see how this feeling would affect a relationship, particularly if one person felt it while the other didn’t, or if they felt it at different times. The touch of a needy person is so different, and quite possibly the opposite of sexy for their partner, and it’s so hard NOT to project the feelings onto your partner. “Why doesn’t she want to meet my needs?”

The truth is that no partner can fully meet a need that is born of a neurochemical low. No wonder it sometimes seems that we just can’t please our mate no matter how hard we try, how much Viagra we invest in, or how many orgasms we deliver.

Every recovery cycle is unique, which is one reason couples’ sex drives may go out of sync. Often, men roll over and snore—and then over the days following experience some irritability or brain fog (forgetting to take out the trash, perhaps), and feel unusually horny. But orgasm catches up with women, too. Said one woman, “After three orgasms last night, in which my man was delighted to be affirmed of his stamina, I feel grumpy, guarded, and as snappy as an alligator.” Personally, I notice (or, at least my husband notices) more mood swings in my second week, when I tend to become judgmental and sharp of tongue.

Despite the glories of orgasm, and the many benefits of close, affectionate contact during intercourse, this hidden cycle after orgasm can evoke surprisingly powerful mood changes, which lovers haven’t been connecting with the Big “O.” That may be changing. Not long ago, psychiatrist Richard Friedman demonstrated that neurochemicals kicked in by orgasm, are apparently behind the depression and irritability of some patients, even those with no sexual hang-ups. When he gave SSRIs to suppress the intensity of his patients’ sexual response, their symptoms promptly disappeared (even before the drugs would have influenced emotional disorders).

Could more subtle versions of these neurochemical effects be at work in the rest of us, clouding the sunny skies of our romances? Perhaps striving for balance in our sex lives by adding to our lovemaking repertoire is more beneficial than we’ve realized.

So, what’s going on between our ears after climax? Although scientists haven’t been looking for this “passion cycle” directly, researchers questing after the next lucrative sexual enhancement drug have turned up evidence of it. In a future post, I’ll share what little is known.

And notice how the dance ends… until next time.

Thanks to Erin Michaela Brandt for recognizing the relevance and deep beauty of this and forwarding it to me.

Please join me October 29th when I present…

END RELATIONSHIP DRAMA:
How to STOP “working on your relationship”… and finally unlock your woman’s Natural Attraction, Sexual Desire and Deep Appreciation.

Get the free End Relationship Drama ebook here.

At the Roundhouse community centre in Vancouver BC. 7:30-9:45pm

View the complete schedule and themes for the Manology series here:
http://masculinity21st.wordpress.com/scheduleandthemes/

The Manology series is the brainchild of my friend David Hatfield. David has been doing male rites of passage work, group facilitation and men’s workshops for years. He’s a great guy and I recommend checking out his work:
http://www.davidhatfield.ca/bio.php

Here’s the overview of Manology: Exploring 21st Century Masculinity (from their website):
http://masculinity21st.wordpress.com/overview/

Manology is a new course for men of all stages, backgrounds, orientations, and ethnicities. This series acknowledges that this moment in culture is one of fast and profound change that affect all humanity.  Men as a major social group are thereby also affected. While Western women have been redefining their roles in society for decades, there have been very few places where men have been invited to examine and redefine their roles, relationships, and sense of purpose.  Manology is just such a place, where men are celebrated and supported, and are offered insight, experiences, and conversations on the physical, mental, and spiritual journey of manhood.  It’s for men who are interested in exploring male identity and are ready to encourage other men to do the same.  Manology is delivered by a diverse team of educators and facilitators with a wide range of knowledge and skills to share with men.

Male diversity is desired – all men aged 19 and older are welcome.

Come connect with yourself and with other men in an atmosphere of fun, respectful, open-minded, positive masculinity.

Manology is a new course, and a new experiment in promoting awareness, positive male community, and a skill set that will better help men to navigate and negotiate with the realities of the 21st Century.  And in doing so, Manology will benefit friendships, family, community, society, and ultimately, the global community and the earth itself.

On a less lofty level, Manology is a place to have fun, try new things, express yourself, and make new friendships as we learn and share together.  There will be insights, feelings, familiarity, challenge and opportunities to expand your comfort zones as well as your friendship circles.

Manology holds a set of evolving ideas about 21st Century masculinity:

A 21st Century masculinity seeks to create and sustain inclusive community among males, is respectful of the continuum of masculine and feminine, is healthy and flexible in body/mind/spirit, honoring and skilled in the arts of fathering and/or mentorship, in leadership and followership, honoring in relationships and conscious in sexuality, creatively alive, spontaneous, clear and aligned in life purpose, skilled in cooperation & open communication, self-aware and responsible, assertive in conflict, connected to the wider community, engaged in sustainability practices with self/others/the earth.

It’s a new century.  Manology holds a vision that the current global context of change and complexity, coupled with the urgency of climate change, demand that humanity come together with an intention of unprecedented willingness to work together to redefine cultural norms and roles  that have proven detrimentaland/or unsustainable.  In this vision, men, like all other social groups, have their own important role to play.  It is clear that in order for men to gain insight and clarity into what this era may be asking of them, they must first gather together to share their questions, values, strengths, vulnerabilities, stories, humor and wisdom.

Sadly, many/most men in Western society do not have any experience in doing so.  And some men have negative experiences of doing so.   The Industrial Revolution fostered new aspects of daily life for men that have proven very detrimental to men’s souls: to be separated from families, home and from the land itself; and a economic system that inspired systemic competition for opportunity, advancement and security.  With little change since, and persistent societal homophobia, men’s reluctance to gather together in open sharing is understandable.  Yet these times are calling for radical and courageous shifts in our daily living.  Men’s perceptions, styles, and ways of doing and being need to be validated, invited and engaged, and in new ways.  Manology hopes to the underline the conspicuous lack of and need for diverse forms of male studies in North America.  We hope you’ll drop in on a session and join us.

WHEN/WHERE/COST

Thursdays, Sept 17 – Nov 26, 2009, 7:30-9:45 pm

Roundhouse Community Centre
181 Roundhouse Mews (Davie St. & Pacific Blvd.), Vancouver.
www.roundhouse.ca
Telephone:  604-713-1800

11 sessions: $110 (plus gst) or $12 drop-in (plus gst)

Getting There: Men are encouraged to walk, bike, take transit, car pool, skateboard, rollerblade…

Driving? Underground pay parking is available (access off Drake St.), for a $2 max after 6 pm.

But NO sulking.

You wanna ruin your chances with your wife?
Keep pleading.

The alternative that actually works?
Download the 8-page ebook End Relationship Drama

Jayson Gaddis just posted on the topic over at Revolutionary Man.

Then Andrew Parkes tweeted me a version of the same question.

Now I have this in my inbox from a woman reader …

“I struggle not knowing for sure if “HE” is the one…After many failed relationships, it’s hard to put stock in some of my choices. At the age of 42, 2 failed marriages, and a tirad of failed short term relationships, where do you find stock in “knowing” for sure?”

When Andrew tweeted me, I had the limitation of a 140 character answer. I managed in 70.

“You can’t attract The One until you solidly know and love yourself.”

Your intimate relationship is life’s icing… not the cake. Of course it’s tasty and important, but the foundation of a happy life rests squarely on YOU. As long as you project that need outwards onto “The One”… you’ll always be searching… doubting… second guessing… and disappointed.

As a man who has spent most of his life grasping for fulfilment from a woman… I speak from agonizing experience.

A lot of people emphasize the importance of compatibility, but how can you even judge compatibility until you’re compatible with YOU – living in integrity with your values… honest and transparent and at home within?

From a slightly different perspective, I would add that ultimately you don’t FIND “the one.” You CHOOSE “the one.” And you continue to choose him or her every day. You say… “That’s my man.” “That’s my woman.” “Yep. They’re the one.”

You decide. Then you behave accordingly. And it becomes the truth.

Check out my man Goethe:

Until one is committed
There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back
Always ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and Creation)
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

That the moment that one definitely commits ones self
Then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one
That would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision
Raising in one’s favor all manner
Of unforeseen incidents and meetings
And material substance
Which no one could have dreamt
Would have come your way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I immediately blamed the couch.

“Stupid F-ing couch!”

Then I blamed the people who MADE the couch.

“Stupid design… legs sticking out…”

Then I blamed myself.

“I ALWAYS stub my toe on this couch.”

I even blamed my wife.

“Why did she have to choose this freakin’ couch.”

The really amazing thing is that this all happened in under a second, and I was barely aware of it!

In that milli-second I automatically blamed 3 people plus an inanimate object, and I wouldn’t have even noticed it… except that I happen to practice noticing these things.

And this was just about stubbing my toe! Imagine the blame cycle that happens when the shit really hits the fan!

Of course, I don’t have to imagine it. I’m in the business of helping men turn challenging marriages around. And I come by this work honestly. I know all about blaming my woman. I know about blaming her for staying. Blaming her for leaving. I know about blaming her for the empty feeling inside. I know about blaming her for wanting someone else. Blaming her for ME wanting someone else.

And I certainly know about blaming myself.

And when that gets me nowhere, I can always blame the world. The weather. My job. The economy. My mother.

I’ve been down all these paths and they all lead to the same place: Suffering.

I’ve also discovered the alternative. The cure. The antidote.

It’s simple… but not easy.

It starts with this question:

What if no-one were to blame?

Whatever challenge you are struggling with in your relationship…

• Infidelity
• Death
• Boredom
• Money
• In-laws
• Parenting

What if no-one were to blame?

What if She… You… Them… were, at their core, INNOCENT?

What if whatever you are experiencing… simply IS?

Can you see how much energy this would free up to do the things that actually matter to you… to BE the man/husband/father you are meant to be?

How much energy are you currently wasting in the blame game?

Can you just BE WITH WHAT IS – without judgement – for even a few moments?

At first this is almost incomprehensible, right?

We get so used to blaming… to judging… to our stories of wrong and right… to our righteous indignation… that suspending it even for a few moments feels… unnatural.

It feels weird.

Our blame, our judgement, is SO automatic that it feels as though it is unarguably fused with our experience.

It isn’t.

Here’s the way out.

Notice what you’re feeling. The emotion that is present. Name it to yourself.

Naming the feeling/emotion happens in only 3 words. “I feel ….”

“I feel angry.”

“I feel sad.”

“I feel anxious.”

“I feel scared.”

“I feel hurt.”

It might be tempting to say “I feel hurt by her words” or “I’m angry at her for being late.” That’s all blame, story, judgement… right?

Even “I feel betrayed” is thinly veiled blame. Strip it down… ie – What’s the true emotion underneath “I feel betrayed?” Hurt? Anger? Scared?

For now, stick to the raw data. (You can always come back to blame later if you choose!)

Now notice the sensation in your body.

Maybe your chest is tight or your brow furrowed. Maybe your fists are clenched or your stomach hurts. Maybe your breath is constricted and shallow.

Just notice.

Now notice the story you are telling yourself. Are you blaming her? Yourself? The world?

What would it be like to let go of that? Even for just a few moments? Remember, you can always come back to blame later if you choose. See what’s it’s like to let go of it just for a few minutes right now.

What happens to the sensation in your body? Stay present to the raw data. Notice.

Now, is there an ajustment you’d like to make?

An adjustment to your posture? To the depth or fullness of your breath? To the words or images in your mind? To your speech or actions?

This kind of mindful awareness takes you out of your habitual blame/judgement and delivers you to a fresh vista where you can see more clearly. From here you can better choose actions that serve you, her and the world.

And you can always come back to blame… if you choose.

I’ve received quite a few emails and comments from WOMEN on this point, and I want to share a recent letter from Lisa M. that is particularly inspiring, insightful and affirming.

Lisa says -

When us gals go nuts we’re actually desperate for our man to be the calm in our storm…  To stand in the fire and not shrink back.

I want to thank you for the good advice you are giving to men on The Hero Principles web site.

From a woman’s perspective, you are spot on!

I particularly resonated with this statement you made:

‘She has to TRUST you before she lets you in. That’s why she has you jumping through all these fiery hoops, albeit unconsciously.’

Looking back at my last relationship, I think my subconscious kept setting up situations where I wanted my partner to earn my trust.  Trust he had lost by breaking his word to me.  Situations that would test his integrity.

I wanted him to show me he could stand in his power, even when I was out of balance.

I was acting out in anger from a desire for safety, like a horse that starts bucking because it does not trust it’s rider.

I wanted him to show me I could lean on him and not fall flat on my face.  Well, I leaned, I fell, it’s over…  :-)

And I can now see that I chose him to prove myself right – to reinforce my old, deep belief from childhood that people I love break my trust.  I’m ready to let that belief go now. I’ve done a lot of work to face that pain.

I look forward to attracting a loving relationship with a trustworthy and loyal man!

Namaste,
Lisa

Those of you who have worked with me one-on-one know the importance I place on a man’s ability to lean in and be present with an angry woman… without letting himself get blown off-course.

In her letter, Lisa uses a vivid metaphor of a horse that starts bucking because it does not trust its rider. She reminds us how women act out in anger… from a desire for safety.

Have you been bucked off by a woman who didn’t trust you fully, who wanted to feel safe?

Have you been letting the wild, rushing waters of her river wash out your river-banks?

I’m here to tell you -

Get back in the saddle. Don’t take it personally.

Re-enforce the weak spots in your river-bank.

The 7 principles in my Hero Principles E-coaching Program are your sandbags:

Remember…

“When us gals go nuts we’re actually desperate for our man to be the calm in our storm…  To stand in the fire and not shrink back.”

…Words of wisdom straight from the bucking horse’s mouth.